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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.