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My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it