🤯🤯🤯
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My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
😂🖐️
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS