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My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.