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All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking