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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
As the Lord intended
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Oh. My. God.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist