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You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
#SuperBowl
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
No, I don’t think I will.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.