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I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.