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I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My birthstone is kidney
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.