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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Truth
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.