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Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
i prefer mine room temperature.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.