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FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶