馃ゴ
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid馃槶馃槀
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Does this dress make me look cat?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
As a doctor, I can confirm
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom