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getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
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Me: Same.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
So we got a goldfish…
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot