Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there