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My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.