🥴😂
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If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
When I snag the last meatball.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.