🥴😂
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I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]