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I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
