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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.