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so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Perfection.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol