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Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.