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When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.