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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
britain’s three elite institutions
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
😾
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.