Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening