Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

So creative 😂

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

Somebody call the cops.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti