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I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same