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Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
“Why you watching this shit?”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.