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Santa read your DMs. The only thing youâre getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
The chickens in my neighborâs coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what Iâve done.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Letâs start with the processor- thatâs the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I canât believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and Iâll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
âIâm so single that if I win a trip for two, Iâm goin twiceâ
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: iâm married
Wife: I love that we finish each otherâs-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHEREâS MY
Me: Margarita?
kids are oblivious to everything but let âem find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier canât you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to âkeep me busyâ
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & thatâs why itâs so tragically hard to meet
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad thatâs over with.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: ĂŠl es un niĂąo
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niĂąa
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedoâwait
4: IâM GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* Iâm gonna rip your eyeballs out
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
âWe left themâ
AL: Why?
âThey didnât look anything like their selfies in rlâ
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Me: I donât get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Youâve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Iâm pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: Thatâs not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here itâs Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Donât bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while theyâre speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Me: I know itâs weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are yâall doing?
5yo: Nothing. Weâre not messing with bowling balls!
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and thatâs why heâs dead now.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.