Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

la cocaina

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.