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“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
that would 100% work on me
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
