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Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens