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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry