Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.