Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

I’ve disappointed better people.

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

Lmao

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.