ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Every time.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.