Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

🤔😂😂

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

HERE’S MARKY

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

Yup

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.