Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.