Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

hardest line in real life

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

Don’t tell me what to do

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

Me, reading some of your tweets

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut