Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

9 circles of hell in this economy?

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.