Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.