Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

Wednesday

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.