Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

I identify as an antique shop.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.