І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
RT if you could go either way.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum