І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
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I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise