І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
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ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.