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[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My circle of trust is a meatball
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
rapatouille
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders