Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”