Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
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took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“Why you watching this shit?”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I’m giving up ice.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal