Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
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I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
The glory of fall.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.