Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

When a shoelace touches your ankle

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.