“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
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HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Seas the day!!!!
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol