Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

logging onto twitter…

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs