Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your parents check you’re ok.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear