Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

The legends were true

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

This is my brand.