Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
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This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
WTF IS THAT!
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working