Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

Guilty! 🤪

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.