@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
birds and squirrels envy us
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.