Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.