Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*