Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.