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Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Watermelon Boss!
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
me watching my own Instagram story
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
President The Rock Obama
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.