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Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
japanese corn
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Sorry not sorry.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”