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There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN