You Might Also Like
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
do horses think humans are hats
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.