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Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*