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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*