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Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
*orders delivery*
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk