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$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”