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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
so weird how every mom was born today
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Your honor these allegations are
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
