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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
weird email i got today
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.