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Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
the rocks need my help
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
My whole life was a lie.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.