☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
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Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows