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I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”